Finding Hope in the Midst of Loss….

posted in: Angel Baby | 0

Growing up I have always said that my magic number was five. Yes, I wanted to have five children when I would become a mommy. I thought it was so easy to get pregnant. I had no problems getting pregnant with our first baby. He was healthy, beautiful, and most of all loud. He was one little man with one huge personality. He was everything to us. When our son was around a year and a half, I got pregnant again. I loved seeing the plus sign on the pregnancy test and we called and told everyone who we knew that I was pregnant. However, within two months of my pregnancy I started to bleed. It then followed with heavy cramps and more bleeding. We had lost our baby who we have started to love and plan for. What now? What would we tell everyone who we’ve told that I was pregnant? We had to tell them that I no longer was carrying a precious little one inside my womb. It was hard telling others the truth. There were days when all I could do was cry. Other days I was upset with God. However, some days I was glorifying him and telling loved ones that God is good. It was part of my grieving process.

 A couple of months later I had become pregnant again and boy was my husband and I over filled with joy. Again we shared the good news with everyone because we were sure it would be different this time, but it wasn’t. We lost our third baby at two months of being pregnant with him or her. I went through the same grieving process as before.

Again a few months had passed and I had become pregnant for the fourth time. This time we only told those who we were very close to. Believe us that it is so hard not to share with the world that you are pregnant. However, telling everyone that I have had a miscarriage was even worse. Almost everyone was sorry comforters. They thought that they could help us by telling us that they think I have had a miscarriage because I was too thin or because I was always active. These suggestion only hurt us more. We knew that I had the Rh factor and I was Rh negative. My body was rejecting any blood that was foreign. We were becoming doubtful that we would ever have any more children. We were so blessed to have our son but we desired so very much to have more. We wanted our son to have a brother or sister who he could tease, laugh, make memories, and be friends with. My husband and I both had sibling and knew what fun it was to not be the only child.

Soon after my fourth pregnancy, third miscarriage I was pregnant again for the fifth time. This time my body did not reject her and I gave birth to our first daughter. She was an angel and still is. I remember driving from the store when she was only a couple of months old, crying because I was so thankful that God had given her to us. When my first daughter was over one years old I had become pregnant again for the sixth time. This pregnancy ended quick at two months, just like the others. I was going to the doctors to get my Rhogam shot as soon as I knew I was pregnant but God had other plans for our infant. With each pregnancy, less and less loved ones knew I was pregnant.

 I had become pregnant for the seventh time and God blessed us with our second daughter. She was a blessing and we enjoyed our beautiful, smart, and quiet little girl.

 I conceived for the 8thtime when our third child was a year old but shortly lost him or her in the womb. My husband and I still wanted more children. God had blessed us with three children but we wanted more and so I had conceived for the 9thtime and this time God had given us our third daughter, fourth child. She is now four years old and is adored by her brother and two sisters.

I do not know what I would have done if my husband was not there to support and comfort me every step of the way. I loved knowing that each time a pregnancy test showed the positive plus sign, that he would be excited to be a father to another child. When I had felt that there was something wrong with me, he reassured me that I was perfect and Gods will for our family was perfect.

 So you see we did have more than five children. We had nine. That magic five number did happen but it wasn’t exactly the way I had planned it. We now have five sweet babies who are up in heaven. One day we will be able to hold them in our arms and place their small palm in our palm. We will be able to smell their sweet, young aroma. The thought of this brings tears of sadness and joy. It had been a tough journey. One that we had to go through with God. We are now able to fully trust God with our life and our children’s. He is the best comforter out there. We had to learn this the hard way. We now will never take our children for granted, they are not as easy to receive as one may think. We have found joy in the midst of sorrow because we have been blessed with four incredible children who have made our life so colorful.

There is hope. You will find rest in God. Trust him every step of the way. When you feel that the whole world is crashing down in front of you, look for Jesus he will lift you out of it. Loss takes time to heal and God will be there with you.

This post has been featured on BLOGHER…


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